This Year in Review

This year I've been doing quite a lot.  (More information follows than anyone could possibly want to know!)

Thanks to Em, I've learned and have grown a lot.  She taught me:

It's okay to strive, to let this temporary self be something.  It isn't timeless but it is more beautiful that way.  I don't think I really believed I was immortal, in that teenage angst sort of way.  Just that, I didn't know how to make sense of my injury, my survival.  If I'm going to take another breath, I aught to cherish it.  To love it.  And to enjoy it's coming and going, rather than waiting for the next breath to come along.  I still have something to learn in this: I still let little things get in my way.  But that's a different problem for another time.

That I can healthfully enjoy a sex life.  That my back brace doesn't entirely limit my motion.  

That once I get used to talking I can enjoy doing it with others.  This is another weird one though, where I've learned maybe half of a greater whole.  I still get in ruts of communication.  It doesn't matter, that.  People do.  And I'm never the only one who's trapped behind their words that way.

And, maybe sadly, she taught me I can wound others, as well as be wounded by them.  But this, good realization, was not taught on purpose.  If I also taught her this, which I must have, though she's too strong to let me know, I hope she's not too saddened by the lesson.

...
I've completed a year of volunteering with Americorps.  I'm thinking about what I want to do next year to volunteer.  I think I can see a lot of things in my life, outside of that experience, that are volunteering that I do.  I enjo this aspect of my life.  Maybe next year I'll work for the Bay, or something to do with nature.

I now work at a font foundry.  I do advertising and design and some very fun layout work.  I love my job.  I don't ever want to stop.  I'm going to school at the same time, but that is definitely taking a back seat to this.  Maybe sometimes I get a little distracted, but not too badly, no so far as I can tell from the whole of my work experience.  Its amazing, to be working in a field that I love, to be free to do it, and to see that even when I come to feel pressured with many responsibilities, I stick to this one with a soul.

The classwork is for a computer graphic / deisgn certification.  I'm full time at work and school.  I'm seeing a whole school I went to before.  The echos of the joy and loneliness I had there when I went more than a decade ago.  I'm seeing many people who have been there for some time.  I remember some of them directly, others only indirectly.  But they are great people.  Wonderful teachers.

The labs and "technical" classes are very up to date, so far as I can tell.  I mean, all the new software in 2d and layout and web.  There's a plethora of things to entertain taking.

I'm dating probably too much for my own good.  I mean enough that it can really be difficult to schedule my life and to not be tired working on the computer but that's all good.  And I enjoy dating.  Sometimes the paranoia gets in the way.  People can talk to you as though they know you, and it can be entirely plausable that those words have alterior meaning, or reflection.  Sometimes I can't shake that and the whole idea of spending time with someone fades.  Sometimes that's a good thing though: my heart is free right now.  It is liberal, it visits many other chests besides my own.  But the hearts there, maybe they need my heart to be less free, and more endearing.  Maybe it is good.

I've had a gallery showing in the last year.  And invitations to many others.  I'm hoping to take someone up at the end of this year or early next year.  They're starting the first digital gallery in the area (that I know of)  — meaning the place will show digital works on screen: not translated into canvas or ... which is how I've been doing my art, that I do.  Prints look greatmo stly.

Occasionally my color correction fails.  That's a reason why I got a new Mac.  With this new hardware, (and later to a greater degree with ICC color control) I can do less color correction.  This is great news.    I still want, very very much, to have final output to canvas, to silver halide (these I have done, too).  I want that, and the digital gallery showing too.  This is my rocketship to get me there, that I'm typing on now. w00t!

Most recently I went to see a movie, "Good Night and Good Luck".  What a great movie.  Anyone who thinks liberal or feels socialist should see this film.  Anyone who thinks the Daily Show is awesome should be able to appreciate it.  Anyone who dreams of becoming a journalist because they could tell more truth and less sensationalism has probably already seen this movie.  But go watch it again.  It was great.  It was heroic.  And it really happened.

Also, I went to a friend's party.  I was amazed, I actually had a good, sociable time.  Took me about an hour to absorb all the great energy and the get-togetherness of a party where people are dancing and spinning live music but somehow, through some means I did.

And I've begun to consider my purposes in life.  There's a song anyone who's my age will remember from the radio, where they sing "What is it?  It's it."  That's philosophy mascarading as art.  I thought it was, when it was on the air.  "You want it all, but you can't have it.  It's in your face but you can't grab it."  I did, when that was first on the air, want it all.  Not to hold, but to see.  I still do somewhat, but I can't ahve it and I see that.  I reach for parts of it: I go to school, I work and date, I hang out with family, friends, I even talk to people I don't know and volunteer my effort to the good of others.  Is that doing too much, for someone as small as me?  I guess it is, because I hear that song now and I think "how does that apply to me now?"  What parts do I have to let go of?  Likely culprits include trying to make myself a better person, trying to help others no matter whether they're ready for help or not, so long as they ask ... dealing with whatever little things are in the way of a healthy psychology.  

I already chopped off philosophy, years ago.  I'm now vaguely philosophic when talking to people but not really philosophic in thought.  I stopped trying to solve math problems and just accepted them as beautiful works of art.  But there must be less I can do.  How odd, to even entertain that notion.

Sometimes the compelteness of life is scary, and I can even forget the reeason why I wanted to date in the first place.  *smirk*  Right now is one of those times.

Good Night, and Good Luck